CHAPTER ONE

RETHINKING RANDOM

Why you need a new map of the female universe

Greetings, my fellow semiconfused male. I imagine you’ve picked up this book in search of some help navigating the wild, seemingly unpredictable inner world of women. Or....let’s be frank....because the woman in your life “strongly suggested” that you needed such help. When it comes to relationship stuff, I’ve felt about as lost as a guy can get. Then my wife became a surprise best-selling author on relationships. Ironic, huh? Eventually I got enlisted to help research and explain these mysterious beings called women in a way that ordinary mortals like me could grasp. To my surprise, I discovered that women are a lot easier to understand than I thought, and I shared what I learned in the book For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women coauthored with my wife, Shaunti.

The overwhelmingly positive responses from guys across the country confirmed my suspicions: Despite all the jokes about “clueless” men, most of us genuinely want to be better husbands and partners; we simply need a little help in figuring out how. And that’s the basic idea behind this discussion guide: using the insights from For Men Only to identify simple changes that can make a huge difference in our relationships.

Where Are We Headed?

The chart below outlines the six most important findings from the For Men Only research into how women are wired. The column on the left, “Our Surface Understanding,” notes what we guys generally know or tend to assume about women. The column on the right, “What That Means in Practice,” highlights an often surprising truth behind those assumptions.... and how that truth plays out in everyday life. These are the key ideas we’ll work through in the following chapters.

These findings, based on the results of a groundbreaking survey of women, provide us with a map of sorts. I used to think of women as a mapless swamp, but now I’m seeing that they’re not nearly as foggy as I thought and that a few simple things can transform our relationships for the better and help us meet the deepest needs of the women in our lives.

I hope you’ll find this guide helpful whether you’re married, dating, or single. You’ll notice pretty quickly that I use the words “woman,” “wife,” and “girlfriend” somewhat interchangeably....except when we talk about sex, because I agree with the Bible’s plan for reserving sex for marriage. My main goal is to help you apply these ideas in your romantic relationship, but I think you’ll find they also will help you relate better to other women in your life, like your daughter, as well as female relatives, fellow workers, and friends.

Personally, while I haven’t mastered the ability to always apply what I’ve learned (actually, far from “always”), by putting these findings to work in my marriage I have experienced far greater peace in my relationship with Shaunti. So I’m pretty confident that with the woman you love, you can too.

How to Use This Guide

You’ll be glad to know that we designed this as a guy-friendly resource that has been test-driven by real-world groups of men and that you can explore on your own or use as a helpful guide in a discussion group. Each chapter corresponds to a chapter subject in the main book:

• Chapter 2: Reassurance
• Chapter 3: Emotions
• Chapter 4: Security
• Chapter 5: Listening
• Chapter 6: Sex (You can try bribing your leader to start with this chapter.)
• Chapter 7: Beauty
• Chapter 8: “You are my hero”

Each chapter has basically the same layout. Among other features you’ll find:

• a Recap of the chapter
• a Key Questions section for discussion and/or personal reflection
• a Real World case study with follow-up questions to help you learn the skill of understanding what a woman is thinking
• A Woman’s Perspective and A Man’s Response....a comment that reflects a woman’s thinking about the subject at hand, and a chance for you to respond (in the relative safety of your own home or surrounded by guys who understand)
• the Weekly Challenge....practical suggestions for how to actually apply what you’re learning about the woman you love
• On the Home Front: Living It with Her....a standalone section that equips you to talk with your wife about what you’re learning and seek her input (she’s gonna love this....and I promise it won’t be too painful for you)

Just to be clear: this guide is not like the instructions for installing a dishwasher. There’re no Step 1, Step 2, and so on. You should mix and match the different elements, using those that best suit your needs or the format of your group. Your discussion will probably go deeper and be most effective if you don’t try to accomplish everything in each chapter.

For example, in a small-group setting of, say, six to ten men, some guys might be intent on learning the skill of “reading her mind” and therefore want to work through the Real World case studies, while others may feel they’ll get the most benefit from the Weekly Challenges. Or if your time is limited, your group might decide to cover only three Key Questions from each chapter. I’d encourage you to start with an Introductory Week and work out a plan that will sufficiently challenge each guy without intimidating those of us who don’t usually talk about such things.

Even in a larger group you may not want to tackle all the elements unless you can devote more than one session to each subject. The activities and questions in this discussion guide might be simply a starting point as you add creative elements of your own, such as movie clips or icebreaker activities. You can find more ideas for organizing various types of groups around this discussion guide at our Web site: www.formenonly book.com.

No matter how your group is organized, you’ll want to keep one essential in mind: From the first meeting to the last, confidentiality must be carefully guarded. What’s shared in the group stays in the group.

Yes, This Guide Is Biased

Sometimes, as you work and talk through the book and guide, you may feel that you’re being treated unfairly. “It seems like all the responsibility is on me,” I can hear you groan. “Where’s equal time for her to learn about my needs?” Well, all that’s covered in another book called For Women Only and its companion discussion guide.

I’ve purposefully kept this discussion guide focused on what you need to know in order to understand the inner workings of that enigma called “woman.” It’s not supposed to help you change her; rather, it is supposed to help you change and improve yourself. And just so you know, I’ve been pleasantly surprised....shocked, even....to find out just how simple most of this stuff is. It’s not rocket science, and I’ve seen firsthand that applying these simple truths will result in incalculable benefits for both of you.

As you work through the book, the most powerful discoveries you’re likely to make are that you’re not alone in your struggles and that it’s not only your wife who’s “weird” in these ways. (Did I say “weird”? I meant “extraordinary.”) Not only that, your relational challenges are normal. Really. And realizing that you’re not alone is half the battle.

So let’s remember we’re all in this together as we accept our first Weekly Challenge:

Weekly Challenge: This week, identify which, if any, of the six revelations on the chart you’re already responding to effectively. Which is the most likely to require changes in your life?