CHAPTER ONE

LIGHTBULB ON!

How I Woke Up to What I Didn’t Know About Men

Since For Women Only came out, I have been so grateful to hear from women all over the country who tell me, “My eyes have been opened....and I can’t believe I didn’t know some of these things before!” That excitement is inevitably followed by: “So, um, how do I apply this to my life?”

This discussion guide will help you do just that. It is designed to be used in two different ways: as a catalyst for conversations among women in small or large groups, in book clubs or coffee klatches, or as a helpful roadmap for a good one-on-one dialogue with the man in your life.

As I have spoken around the country, I have run across many women doing For Women Only discussion groups. I’m very grateful for those who have been willing to share their ideas, many of which have been incorporated in these pages. Near the end of this guide we also share the suggestions of two study groups who have used this discussion guide itself since it first came out. Because of the wonderful variety and diversity I’ve encountered among different groups, this guide is intended to be very flexible. But for consistency and ease of use, each chapter in the guide follows the same format and each corresponds to a chapter subject in the book:

• Chapter 2: Respect
• Chapter 3: Insecurity
• Chapter 4: The Provider Burden
• Chapter 5: Sex
• Chapter 6: Visual
• Chapter 7: Romance
• Chapter 8: Appearance
• Chapter 9: “How much I love her”

Each chapter has the same layout. The first few pages are for group discussion. The last two pages contain space for notes and a section called “Bringing It Home” that’s just for one-on-one discussion with your man.

The order is consistent in every chapter, with such features as:

• Recap of the chapter
• Key Questions for discussion
• A true Life Story case study with follow-up questions
• A Guy Perspective and Gal Response
• A For Women Only (FWO) Feedback section, which includes e-mails and personal stories from women (and sometimes from their husbands!) who have read For Women Only and benefited from that particular subject, along with a question to consider.
• A Weekly Challenge....A question that requires self-examination and a challenge to actually apply what you are learning about your man.
• Bringing It Home: Discussing It with Your Man.... sample questions that might help.
• A Quote to Remember
• Suggested further reading

The guide is designed to be completely flexible as far as number of weeks that you meet, and mixing and matching the elements to suit your group. For example, some groups may opt to cover one subject per session, going through each of the elements in detail, while others may want to combine chapters and only tackle the Key Questions of each. Some groups may want to pick only one Key Question each week and instead focus on the mini-case studies and Weekly Challenges. Pick and choose whichever works for you.

I hope this guide will be interesting and helpful for all female audiences, whether married, dating, or single. As you leaf through this, you’ll find that I use the words “guy,” “man,” and “husband” somewhat interchangeably. (The only exception is when discussing sex, since I agree with the biblical principle of reserving physical intimacy for marriage.) I’m primarily focusing on helping you apply these truths to your romantic relationship, but many of the issues affect how you relate to other important men in your life as well, such as perhaps your son or your boss. Feel free to branch out into those subjects where warranted.

As you read and discuss, please remember that For Women Only is not an equal treatment of male-female differences, nor does this guide delve much into what guys need to understand about us. Although we women obviously have needs too, for right now, this is solely about helping us understand the inner lives of men and how we relate to them. Ultimately, it is not supposed to help us “change our guy”....these revelations are supposed to change and improve us!

Many of us....including me....have found that the data in For Women Only sometimes goes against decades of assumptions about men, and you will likely feel the gamut of emotions as various facts and truths hit you. Please be careful about unloading these emotions on your man. When you do discuss these things with him, remember that it is all too easy for a man to feel insecure and “attacked,” and he will respond much better if he feels that you are respecting him....which, as we learn in Chapter 2, is his highest need anyway.

The following chart outlines the seven major findings from the For Women Only research. The column on the left, “our surface understanding” is what we women generally know from a distance about men, whereas the column on the right, “What That Means in Practice,” is a focused....and often surprising.... finding about how that plays out in everyday life.

The Seven Revelations

1. Men need respect. Men would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
2. Men are insecure. Despite their “in control” exteriors, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.
3. Men are providers. Even if you personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide.
4. Men want more sex. Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of wellbeing and confidence in all areas of life.
5. Men are visual. Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.
6. Men are unromantic clods. Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic....but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed.
7. Men care about appearance. You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself....and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience in order to support you.

My best to you in your journey!

Shaunti

P.S. If your group has an introductory week, here’s your first Weekly Challenge question:

Weekly Challenge: This week, identify which of the seven revelations on the chart you are already implementing best, and which one is the most likely to require changes in your life.